Sunday, July 22, 2012

I know he's here

Everyone has different beliefs.  I don't judge anyone for theirs, and I think everyone has a right to their
own thoughts and beliefs.

When I was growing up, religion wasn't a big part in my life.  My family would attend church on Easter and Christmas and we would say a short prayer before we ate dinner.  I grew up believing God was the almighty power and you either went to Heaven or Hell, depending on your life choices.  I didn't really know about any other religions, aside from Christianity.  Once I got older, I began exploring a little more.  I always believed there was a God, but was always confused as to what happened after death.  I always wanted to find a religion that made sense to ME.  I want to believe in something that makes complete sense, not just believe in something because I am told to.  I opened myself up to learn about different religions.  It seemed like I could believe some of the things being taught, but not all of it.

I was stuck "in limbo" again when I had Jayden.  We were overwhelmed with Jayden's hospital trips and care, that we never spent much time worrying about religion.  We would "pray" that he would be okay and that he would not have any struggles.  We wouldn't drop to our knees, fold our hands and bow our heads, but we would talk to God.

After Jayden passed, I was grasping for answers.  I wanted to know why my baby was gone.  Who took him from me?  I contacted people I knew who could give me the answers according to what they believed.  What I wanted to believe was different than what I was being told.  

I always heard other people tell me that their loved ones who had died would send them signs.  I was skeptical when I heard these stories, but I am a believer now!!!  I honestly believe Jayden is sending me signs,  I believe he is here with me.    I also hear about ghosts, which I still don't believe in.  

In the beginning, I was numb.  I didn't believe he was gone.  I thought that at any moment, the hospital was going to call me, tell me they made a mistake and that Jayden was okay!  I think it was around the time his headstone was placed, reality really set in.  Jayden was gone and it hurt!  One good thing that came from this vast realization, was that I could sense Jayden's presence.  If you don't believe me, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I cry all the time.  In the beginning, several times a day.  Now, I still cry but not as often.  Several times, I have felt this peace surround me.  I suddenly feel okay.  I still know I am upset, but I don't feel upset.  If I tried to cry, I couldn't.  I know he's there.  When I ask him for signs, I get them.  He's come to his dad through dreams, good dreams.    

Jayden has made me realize what happens after death.  I still sometimes find myself questioning "why" he was taken from me.  Was it because God wanted to free him from the pain?  Whatever it was, I truly believe everything happens for a reason.  I know Jayden is whole and pure.  His heart is perfect, he doesn't have any tubes or wires.  He doesn't need to take numerous medications a day, there will be no more surgeries.  His chest is clear of any scars.  He was always perfect to me, but now he knows no pain and is free.

I miss you, Jayden and I will love you forever!

1 comment:

  1. Cassandra, I was reading your post and thinking how much it drives us crazy to not have answers to life's mysteries such as these. Like you, I do not judge others for their beliefs. I strongly believe if their beliefs help them through the difficult times then they are so very right for them. This feeling of signs you are describing, I have to agree with you. I am not religious at all, but I most certainly believe in energy. My belief always came from the fact we are energy, electrical beings and where does that go when we pass? I honestly have no answer for sure, but I do agree in feeling the presence of those we love who are gone, and I really believe their energy stays with us until we are ok, at least in their opinion. This may all sound crazy to you, but after working in the medical field, I truly started leaning toward energy. There are many times I feel this energy with my patients too, especially when they are passing or have just passed. Anyway, I just had to share because after many years of religion, working in the medical field has truly pushed me to the science of what happens to us. I still always support my patients and often pray with them because they feel and believe for themselves, but I know for me it's the energy. Sorry to babble on, but I just wanted to share with you, and let you know I think of you and your little guy daily. I keep his picture in my compute album with my niece Cemaia, and I know there are many times I believe and feel his energy helps to carry her and support her during the rough times. I love his precious little face, and I am always sending healing energy to you and your wonderful family. Thank you for sharing with all of us! <3