Missing you

Hello my sweet boy!!
Did you see the new flowers we brought for you?  We picked them out special just for you.
We all miss you so much down here.  I wish you were still with us.  You would have been turning 5 months on Sunday!!  I know you would be smiling and laughing.  We would also be getting ready for you to have your second surgery.  Things would have been much easier then.

I cried again today.  I can't help it, I just miss you so much!!  I see your pictures up on the wall and I wish they reminded me of the good times, but they only remind me that you're gone.

I am spreading awareness on our behalf.  I know you would not want this to happen to anyone else's family.  We will be writing a book to tell your story and spreading the word about how real Congenital Heart Defects really are!!

I love and miss you so much, Jayden!!  You will never be forgotten and I will continue to share your story!!  I can't wait to hug and kiss you again.  XOXO

Love,
Mommy.

Jayden's Beads of Courage

For those of you that don't know, while Jayden was here with us, fighting - he was earning beads for everything he braved through.  Every appointment, medication, IV poke and more, he earned a bead to represent his courage.  We finally got the rest in the mail, and I am proud to show them off.  Jayden was a VERY tough little boy who went through way more than he should have, but he made us so proud and fought his little heart out!

2 months already?

...It still feels like it was only yesterday.  I can't believe you have been gone for 2 months, the hardest 2 months I have ever had to deal with.  I miss you so much, Jayden.  I hope you know that everyone down here will love you forever!!!  I can't wait to be with you again.  I am looking at your picture right now, and it kills me to think you are not here anymore.  I can't say it enough, I would do anything to have you back.

For Easter, everyone wrote Jayden letters and drew him pictures.  We had a bucket full of eggs stuffed with love!  Next, they will be going into his scrapbook.  We had his headstone decorated with Easter bunny stickers. We tried to do anything we could to make his first Easter special (even from way down here).

Today, we went on a hike with Crystal and Cameron.  All I could think about is how fun it would have been to have you there with us, in the baby backpack.  I know you would have loved walking through the water, throwing rocks and walking through the forest with us.

I hope you are having fun up there with all of your heart friends.  I  hope you are watching over all of us that love you, and keeping an extra close eye on your friends here that are still fighting.  We love and miss you sooooo much!!  XOXO

Love, mommy  <3

Today Sucked...

Today sucked…

We went out to San Bernardino today to get Jayden’s birth and death certificates.  It killed me to see “DECEASED” written across his birth certificate in big bold letters, and the death certificate pretty much speaks for itself.  No mother or father should ever have to get into their car to go pick up their child’s death certificate.  Receiving the recognition of a child's birth should be a joyous thing, but I hated it!

After that, we needed to go to Loma Linda University Medical Center – the hospital Jayden died at.  We walked through that all familiar lobby, up the familiar elevator and into the familiar ECHO lab.  I sat in the waiting room filling out forms to have his records released, the same waiting room we were sitting in with Jayden just a week prior to his death.  I looked over at the exact seats we last sat in, where we were taking pictures of Jayden making his silly faces.  I remember him looking at us, wondering what on Earth mommy and daddy were doing!!  After being charged WAY too much for his records, I was THRILLED to walk out of that hospital.

Later tonight, we went to visit Jayden only to find his things were messed with once again.  The heart-shaped cactus we bought him had been destroyed and there was dirt all over his head stone.  This is the fourth incident we have had with people messing with or stealing his things.  I don’t understand why people do that.  It is really annoying, and it is making me dread going up there.  I now know to expect the things we leave for him to be gone or trashed.  I have decided to make a sign and post it to remind people what they are doing is wrong.

One thing that did lighten up the day a little was when we were getting ready to say goodbye to Jayden, the sprinklers came on and soaked all of us!!  It was already cold, and we had just put on our jackets, only to have to take them off again and freeze!

I am excited for tomorrow.  A lot of our family and friends have written Jayden a letter made him a picture.  We filled an Easter bucket full and will be bringing them up to him.  If they are still there after Easter, I will be bringing them home and putting them in his scrapbook.

Jayden,

Mom and Dad miss you so much!  There is not a moment that goes by that you are not on our minds, or being talked about.  There is nothing we wouldn’t do to have you here with us, happy and healthy.  We love you sweet boy and can’t wait for the day we get to see you again!!!!