Sunday, July 29, 2012

Jayden's 2/3 birthday

Today Jayden would have been 8 months old.  Today was tough.  I can't believe 8 whole months ago I
gave birth to a perfect baby!!

We brought some of Jayden's toys and went to sit with him for quite a while this afternoon.  Every time we go up there, it is calm.  Within in a few minutes, the wind starts to blow.  All of his pin wheels spin and spin.  We sat and talked for a while before we left.  Every time we leave we tell him bye, we miss him, we love him and we always beep the car horn (with the exception of once when there was a service going on).

Happy 2/3 birthday, Jayden!  I wish you were here, but I hope you are having a blast.
We love and miss you!!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Your friends

Hi Jayden.
I talked to Ethan's mommy again tonight, and it made me hope you guys are up there playing together.  I know you two were meant to be friends!!  I hope you are up there with Rowan, Evan, Caiden and all of the other heart kids too.  Make sure you all keep an extra close eye on the ones here still fighting, and all of us missing you.  We all love you!!  Have a goodnight and give each other hugs!

Good night, baby boy!!

Good night my sweet Jayden!  I love you and I miss you so, so much!!  I wish you were here with me
and daddy, but I know you're okay now.  I hope you are tucked in nice and tight.  Sweet dreams.  
Good night, Jayden.  We love you!!!!!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I know he's here

Everyone has different beliefs.  I don't judge anyone for theirs, and I think everyone has a right to their
own thoughts and beliefs.

When I was growing up, religion wasn't a big part in my life.  My family would attend church on Easter and Christmas and we would say a short prayer before we ate dinner.  I grew up believing God was the almighty power and you either went to Heaven or Hell, depending on your life choices.  I didn't really know about any other religions, aside from Christianity.  Once I got older, I began exploring a little more.  I always believed there was a God, but was always confused as to what happened after death.  I always wanted to find a religion that made sense to ME.  I want to believe in something that makes complete sense, not just believe in something because I am told to.  I opened myself up to learn about different religions.  It seemed like I could believe some of the things being taught, but not all of it.

I was stuck "in limbo" again when I had Jayden.  We were overwhelmed with Jayden's hospital trips and care, that we never spent much time worrying about religion.  We would "pray" that he would be okay and that he would not have any struggles.  We wouldn't drop to our knees, fold our hands and bow our heads, but we would talk to God.

After Jayden passed, I was grasping for answers.  I wanted to know why my baby was gone.  Who took him from me?  I contacted people I knew who could give me the answers according to what they believed.  What I wanted to believe was different than what I was being told.  

I always heard other people tell me that their loved ones who had died would send them signs.  I was skeptical when I heard these stories, but I am a believer now!!!  I honestly believe Jayden is sending me signs,  I believe he is here with me.    I also hear about ghosts, which I still don't believe in.  

In the beginning, I was numb.  I didn't believe he was gone.  I thought that at any moment, the hospital was going to call me, tell me they made a mistake and that Jayden was okay!  I think it was around the time his headstone was placed, reality really set in.  Jayden was gone and it hurt!  One good thing that came from this vast realization, was that I could sense Jayden's presence.  If you don't believe me, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I cry all the time.  In the beginning, several times a day.  Now, I still cry but not as often.  Several times, I have felt this peace surround me.  I suddenly feel okay.  I still know I am upset, but I don't feel upset.  If I tried to cry, I couldn't.  I know he's there.  When I ask him for signs, I get them.  He's come to his dad through dreams, good dreams.    

Jayden has made me realize what happens after death.  I still sometimes find myself questioning "why" he was taken from me.  Was it because God wanted to free him from the pain?  Whatever it was, I truly believe everything happens for a reason.  I know Jayden is whole and pure.  His heart is perfect, he doesn't have any tubes or wires.  He doesn't need to take numerous medications a day, there will be no more surgeries.  His chest is clear of any scars.  He was always perfect to me, but now he knows no pain and is free.

I miss you, Jayden and I will love you forever!